Sometimes at night, it is not easy to put Iris to sleep.  At times, she will cry non-stop and behaves mischievously just to grab my attention.  Among other things on her before bedtime wish list is “walk-walk” when it is already past 8pm.  “Nyamuk banyak la sayang oi…”

I am glad that I always have my Nokia 5300 to divert her attention.  The cell phone comes with a movie function that allows me to play recorded clips over and over again.  And all of the clips are of my daughter from the day she was born and as she progresses.  Usually when the clips are played  (max at 30 secs), her eyes are glued to the screen.  The sight of another “baby” on the screen never failed to entertain her.  She calls her “Mei-Mei” which is often mistakenly pronounced as “Memeng” – the name of her stuffed toy cat.  Hehe, Cute…

Yesterday, she was in her mischievous mood.  Had to hand over the cell phone to her and somehow she got bored of the clips and started navigating the functions on my phone.  She accidentally opened the folder containing my images blue-toothed by Gina.  She called out “Mama, mama!” repeatedly and pointed at the screen excitedly.  Kissed the screen over and over again, and at that point, my heart sank.  My mind drifted to the reality that I have to continue my study soon and the fact that I might have to leave her behind.  This is the one question that I often avoid, and to be frank, I hate people asking me when I am due for my study leave.  I despise the situation that I cannot turn away from nor I can act that it is none of my concern.  And that will be the day when my girl gets to “experience” her mama only in 2D form, kissing what is available on the photo and not the real me.  This is not good at all… The Mama in 2D can never beat the real Mama.

Nothing can beat Mama's love.

I was often asked why didn’t I complete my studies first before I decided to have a child.  Too little too late for such a question, don’t you think so? My respond to them, “If I waited longer, will I get Iris for my daughter?”  God is merciful. He won’t put me in this dilemma if He knew I couldn’t pull it through.

I have options in my mind, but it is not time to execute them yet.  At the end of the day, doing PhD is about me and me alone.

Iris' Mama in green.

She kissed this pic a lot last night...

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